Lonliness

Trying to convince myself I am not alone is very, very hard.

Logistically, it's clear I am almost always surrounded by people. I live in a shared house in a tight-knit community, and there are enough smiling faces around me that there is almost always someone to turn to.

But that's not the problem.

In the same way that my gender is a problem that starts in my head, connecting with others is a problem with it's roots anchored in my neuroses.

It would be easier to identify if I could pluck out single causes for this perpetual negativity. For example, if I could say that I don't have people I can identify with then the problem would be very clear. Without other people thinking alike then loneliness is an inevitable problem. However I do have friends in the same boat as me, and many more contacts too. Admittedly they are mostly female-to-male (women who want to be men) but there is plenty of overlap. If nothing else, having someone approach the same problem but from the other side creates for a great dynamic! Conversation because a co-operative exercise to share experience, empathise and speak with authority on relative genders. These people are few and far between but they're there.

Having a like-minded community isn't the problem.

Like I said, there aren't many trans people I know personally, so the next possibly problem would be not having many friends in general. That's what equates to loneliness for most lonely people! For me though, not true. I find it very easy to make friends! Almost always have done! As back story to this fact, I was originally deaf as a child, till I had surgery, and so learnt to talk and communicate efficiently much later than others. As a result as soon as I could talk I did so none-stop, as my mum can attest to: I would describe everything in details and was most happy when someone would sit down with me and just let me rabbit on. Nattering was about as hyperactive as I ever got! Throughout school I wasn't necessarily good at making friends, but approached the matter in a largely enthusiastic manner: presuming that everyone else was as keen to be friends as I was. Didn't always work, but for those with an open heart it worked very well! In secondary school I learnt the hard way that not everyone was as enthusiastic as me, usually via fists and stones, but I was able to integrate myself into many social circles through those who I could charm or entertain. I even got my first proper girlfriend aged fifteen, whilst also having a silly amount of friends and acquaintances and enemies!

Socialising isn't the problem either.

Which leads on nicely to my final proposal for why any normal person would feel lonely: romance. Trying to find someone who wants to date a man-woman-thing is not easy. There is a name for being attracted to the opposite sex, the same sex, either sex or any sex. I'm not sure however if there is a name for someone who prefers people who's sex depends on how they feel in the morning. It's not an easy state of affairs to live with! If there is, I don't think I've met them, and I generally just rely on meeting people with fluidity to their sexuality.

And that's just it, I HAVE dated a healthy number of people. (Note the word 'healthy', I'm not boasting here!) I can't really consider that the problem even if I am single at the moment.

I wouldn't like to really presume on my ex's mindsets, and I hope if they are reading they will excuse my generalisations, but I've generally thought that they were either bisexual, bi-curious or just considered my gender-bending on entirely non-sexual terms: able to 'deal with it' as long as it generally stayed away from the bedroom. However in all of those set-ups there's a certain amount of compartmentalising. It's not perfect, but compromise is a necessity whatever the circumstances of a relationship. To elaborate, I don't think it comes naturally to others to be attracted to someone with such a fluid state of gender. As such I have to be considered either male or female at any one time, not both. There are some people out there who try to view people without gender, but I'm 99% sure that there is an inevitable trip hazard* when it comes to sexual attraction. Not that I can presume anything.

In fact, it is probably that lack of clear ground which leads most heavily into this sense of loneliness. I am never wholly sure where I stand with others, with my friends, or even those closest to me. In fact I have a horrible sense that the logical conclusion is going to sound cliché, but without assurance in myself my ability to identify with others is limited. The problem I have is that it isn't just me who is unsure, but people around me too. People toy with terms of address when talking to me as much as I have to play around with how I talk about myself!

On one hand, I have no doubt that there are many more friends, nice communities and love interests around the corner. History has established a pattern. However on the other hand, I don't know for sure. And that's the crux of the matter.

Insecurity is a very lonely place to be.
Peace out.













*My computer spell-checker wanted to correct 'Trip hazard' to 'Strip search', which would of made that sentence wholly different and yet oddly perceptive!

Being playful

First and foremost, let me apologise if the tone or style of this post varies greatly from the last. Still getting the hang of writing about this! This subject though occurred to me during an exceedingly dull day at work.

At the moment, I have a bit of a beard going on. There's this common problem that male-to-female peeps seem to have, where by shaving becomes this source of great conflict. You want to shave because the hair seems unfeminine, but shaving means admitting it's there: you stare in the mirror, attack your body with a razor (and in my case shed your blood by accident EVERY time!) and hope you look better for it. Of course if you do look better, the feeling is wonderful! Transformation is the name of the game! But then you know it'll come back. That feel of stubble is a cruel master and can really knock your mood again.

The reason I mention it is that whilst I'm going through a phase of ignoring it's presence, my personality goes through it's usual comings and goings of unintentionally masculine and effeminate mannerisms. I'm just as likely to call someone 'darling' as I am likely to call them 'boss'. This can lead to some very odd unintentionally curious moments where gender expectations just don't gel together.

And it's kind of fun.

If someone suggests I am some kind of stereotype, or uses derogatory terms like 'sissy' or 'fag', I am liable to react badly. But equally, given the right circumstances, I laugh. If you step far enough back from life, most things have something funny about them. Our existence is a curiosity in itself, being the most ludicrously complicated way for amino acids to form themselves together for the sake of existing. (I'm not a scientist, I'm kinda skipping right over the technicalities here). I think it's healthy, and no compromise to my self-respect, to take a look at myself and say "you know what? I'm pretty odd." If I didn't, I don't think I would be able to deal with the strangeness of it all. I don't think anyone is wholly straight forward, and 'simple' people are often the hardest to work out! In that respect I don't see myself different from anyone else.

Sometimes I worry that by revelling in my oddities, I'm a bit like a young teenager trying to rebel against their parents expectations. It can come across as a bit immature. However the other option is to try an amalgamate myself into everyone else's micro-cultures, and that can get depressing. There's no black & white divide, and striking a balance isn't straightforward. Importantly though is enjoy being you, whether it's standing in front of the bathroom mirror or in front of your peers. It's the hardest thing to do when you don't know who you are, but at least know that your problems do not make you bad. Hell, they make you a lot more interesting and you might even get to laugh at life because of them.

I'm no doubt filled with hypocrisy, but this is just what I thought as I stood in my place of work today: as customers eyed me up and down trying to work me out, and I did exactly the same back at them.