Being playful

First and foremost, let me apologise if the tone or style of this post varies greatly from the last. Still getting the hang of writing about this! This subject though occurred to me during an exceedingly dull day at work.

At the moment, I have a bit of a beard going on. There's this common problem that male-to-female peeps seem to have, where by shaving becomes this source of great conflict. You want to shave because the hair seems unfeminine, but shaving means admitting it's there: you stare in the mirror, attack your body with a razor (and in my case shed your blood by accident EVERY time!) and hope you look better for it. Of course if you do look better, the feeling is wonderful! Transformation is the name of the game! But then you know it'll come back. That feel of stubble is a cruel master and can really knock your mood again.

The reason I mention it is that whilst I'm going through a phase of ignoring it's presence, my personality goes through it's usual comings and goings of unintentionally masculine and effeminate mannerisms. I'm just as likely to call someone 'darling' as I am likely to call them 'boss'. This can lead to some very odd unintentionally curious moments where gender expectations just don't gel together.

And it's kind of fun.

If someone suggests I am some kind of stereotype, or uses derogatory terms like 'sissy' or 'fag', I am liable to react badly. But equally, given the right circumstances, I laugh. If you step far enough back from life, most things have something funny about them. Our existence is a curiosity in itself, being the most ludicrously complicated way for amino acids to form themselves together for the sake of existing. (I'm not a scientist, I'm kinda skipping right over the technicalities here). I think it's healthy, and no compromise to my self-respect, to take a look at myself and say "you know what? I'm pretty odd." If I didn't, I don't think I would be able to deal with the strangeness of it all. I don't think anyone is wholly straight forward, and 'simple' people are often the hardest to work out! In that respect I don't see myself different from anyone else.

Sometimes I worry that by revelling in my oddities, I'm a bit like a young teenager trying to rebel against their parents expectations. It can come across as a bit immature. However the other option is to try an amalgamate myself into everyone else's micro-cultures, and that can get depressing. There's no black & white divide, and striking a balance isn't straightforward. Importantly though is enjoy being you, whether it's standing in front of the bathroom mirror or in front of your peers. It's the hardest thing to do when you don't know who you are, but at least know that your problems do not make you bad. Hell, they make you a lot more interesting and you might even get to laugh at life because of them.

I'm no doubt filled with hypocrisy, but this is just what I thought as I stood in my place of work today: as customers eyed me up and down trying to work me out, and I did exactly the same back at them.