I thought today I'd write about something I like to call "man-mode".
I haven't dressed up or tried to look extra effeminate for several weeks now. My facial hair just about passes as a beard (the moustache is a tad pathetic) and any evidence of previous body-hair decimation has been lost in the thickets that is my male-pattern hairiness. What a lovely thought that is.
Fact of the matter is, I haven't felt the need to make the effort. For everyone around me, this makes absolutely no difference. To steal a phrase, I am as God made me. What's going on in my head however is a different matter.
I think I have mentioned it before that shaving is unpleasant for me. Staring in the mirror, fighting my masculinity as it forces it's way out of my face, it's not something I enjoy. To do so, I need to have a little spark in my head that says "I can change this and I will be better for it". I won't lie, this often happens when I foresee a chance to show off and get a bit flirty. If I can put the effort in and get a positive response out of those around me, it's a massive boost to my usually deflated ego. Everyone likes to feel wanted, and when you are incredibly unsure about yourself the easiest way is to get affirmation from those around you.
In that respect, it could be seen as a bit shallow.
What would be healthier for my psyche, surely, is the ability to look at myself and say "it's not perfect but it's me"? I like that sentiment, I really do. Sadly though I cannot get there. I do not consider myself a vain person, and in all other external areas of my life I do not worry about how I look. Heck, any day for a laugh I'm usually happy to wear silly costumes and make people laugh: that's a good time in my books! Sometimes to get over the attention-seeking side of me, I have to distance myself from the thought entirely.
The corkscrew-problem I have here is that whilst in one turn I'll want people to make me feel better, but on the other I don't want to have to think about it at all. The concept of being comfortable in my own skin is so alien to me that I can only twist around the concept by being polar opposites: either highly concious or keep it in complete disregard.
And that is what man-mode is: it's when I have the outward appearance of being masculine because the discomfort of trying to address the problem has made me stationary - I dare not move from this way of being for fear of feeling worse. On good days, I just get on with things because the elephant in the room is in the dark. On bad days? I am unwell. Recently I have been acting a lot worse than usual. I see the kind of symptoms I associate with depression leaking through and try as I might disassociate my behaviour with 'the big problem' the thought of my gender is always lurking. Like a moldy comfort blanket I retreat to it and allow myself to feel worse.
So I'm going back to counselling. It's been a while, but this will mark the first time I've actually made steps to formalising the issue at hand: these blog posts being the exception. People often debate whether 'states of being' like my own should be considered medical or not. All I know for certain is that it is heavily linked to my feeling of unwell and it's time I asked for assistance.
Expect a lot more posts as I reflect on the progress I (hopefully) make, and I hope you will keep on reading my ramblings!
Much love xx
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